I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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