he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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