I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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