got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize