i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
