I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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