I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize