I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
