brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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