and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
