jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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