I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
