I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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