then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
