hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Randomize
