He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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