I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
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