Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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