They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
