I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
pray to the hookup gods
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
