I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
