She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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