Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
