Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Randomize
