Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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