Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
