her vagine was all disorganized.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
