someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
