why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
