Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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