At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I just googled if crying burns calories
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
