The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I can't turn off my feet"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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