Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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