Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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