i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Someone shit on the floor
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
