i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
