this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
