She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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