that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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