new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
