Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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