Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
