I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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