i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
there's paper in my vomit.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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