I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
