I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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