maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
