Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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