my being single is dangerous.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
