Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Even my vagina gasped.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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