Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I didn't notice because vodka
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
