Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
