based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I want to be your penis for a week.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
