Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
