I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize