Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
