would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
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