How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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