did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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