I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
